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Sometimes, You Can’t Turn it Off June 19, 2014

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I slept poorly last night.  My mind just would not shut off.  Every time I was on the verge of drifting off, my thoughts would wake me up.  When I finally did fall asleep, every hour had me waking up to go to the bathroom.   I guess that’s one of the consequences of drinking over 128 ounces of water every day. 

Anyhoo, my thoughts were troubled.  This would be okay if I actually had a reason to be worried.  In the throes of sleepiness, though,  the mind plays nasty tricks.  I had to go in for my bloodwork today, for my diabetes check up on 1 July.  I also needed to schedule a mammogram,  remember to pick up my insulin at the pharmacy, and also have bloodwork done for Celiac’s Disease for my GI doc.  I was afraid I was going to forget something.  I hate forgetting things!  Yeah, I forgot the paperwork to have my celiac’s bloodwork done.  That’s ok, though, I’ll have it done when I go in for my check-up.  It’s really not a big deal, even if I had forgotten more than a piece of paper – so I wish I had not been awake all night (wasting my time) worrying.  I was almost in a panic, I was so worried.  I’m tired!

Normally, my fasting glucose is on the high (Ok, sometimes very high) side.  It’s got to do with carb load, and if one does not consume carbs every five hours, your liver will make sure to release about six times as much sugar as your body needs, raising your blood sugar exponentially.  This won’t make sense unless you are versed in how diabetes affects your body, but I need to eat a carb before bed, else my sugars will be high in the morning.  Because I had to fast for my bloodwork, I couldn’t eat my nightly carb, and was therefore concerned about how high my sugars would be this morning.  To my surprise, they were actually very low this morning.  Too low.  Eat something right away, low.  I was shocked.  Even when I tested upon arriving home, they were only 81.  Because my sugars were so very low, I was weary of driving to the hospital.  I was so shaky.  (I just wanted a cup of coffee!!) I made it there in one piece, but of course forgot to bring my snack, to jump up my sugars after my lab work.  It sucks being forgetful! 

I’m so anxious to get my lab results.  We’ve been on this new eating lifestyle since February.  Hub’s HbA1c dropped a full point at his last appointment, two weeks ago.  I’m hoping to do as well with my own HbA1c.  I don’t think I will drop a whole point, like he did, but I am expecting a drop, nonetheless.

I’m still walking, and I’ve surpassed the three mile mark each day.  Yay!  On Tuesday I actually jogged a short distance, twice, during my walk,  I not only increased my distance, but decreased my time.  Yesterday was a very difficult walk.  I woke with hip pain, and was unsure I would even be able to get out the door.  Then, as I put on my walking shoes (which are, by the way, literally falling apart at the seams now) I discovered a blister, which my shoe so conveniently rubbed open.  It’s amazing to me, such a little bitty thing can hurt so dang much!  I walked anyway.  I walked through the pain in my hips, and that of my toe.  I increased my distance, too.  I paid for it dearly later that evening, though.  I could barely get up off my chair!  The muscles in my legs were so tight.  I’ve been doing warm up and cool down stretches.  I’m not sure what else to do.

I think I’m going to attempt all handmade gifts for Christmas this year.  (Mostly knitting or hand made jewelry) and I need to get started on the knitting.  I have the yarn, and the patterns – I just need to get going.  I’ve currently got two works on the needles, though, big projects, and I’d like to finish at least one of them before I start another. 

Rant o’ the Day:
It’s about me, all about me, this time.  I’m sick to death of going to the doctor.  Since January, I have had more than 29 doctor/dentist visits (Admittedly, only one to the dentist).  I stopped counting at 29, and that was in early May.   Podiatry, GI docs, Vascualar surgeon appts, general appts (Diabetes, numerous for pneumonia), x-rays, lab work,  It’s not going to end anytime soon, either.  I have three scheduled in July, already.  One in August. One in October.  I need my dental cleaning, so that will be thrown in the mix, too.  The thing is – I’m generally healthy!  Aside from the pnuemonia, I haven’t been sick at all!  They are yearly check-ups that turn into multiple procedures (The whole venous insufficiency procedures thing.)  Why do I have to be such a medical mess?  Why have I been so loyal to this new eating lifestyle that is supposed to normalize your blood sugars and allow you to lose weight?  My sugars are wackadoodle.  I lost weight on the first phase, but 6 weeks in to the second phase I have not lost any weight.  I have not cheated, not even one tiny bit.  I exercise at least five days a week – even through the pneumonia, I only missed two days – one because it was an extremely high pollution day and those with lung conditions were advised to stay indoors, the other was at the height of my pneunmonia and I simply could not breathe that day.  I have worked harder, adding speed, hand weights, distance – and I see no pay off.  I’m seriously afraid to mention my hip pain to my doc, because I a.) I don’t want to start another round of visits to a new doctor b.) I am afraid of what the problem really is.  It could be as simple as needing a new mattress, or arthritis – but what if it’s something like my hip is disintigrating?  Ugh.  It wouldn’t be something simple with me, it never is.  Even my mother says I’m “Medically difficult, and always have been.”  Sigh.  By the way, I highly doubt I have Celiac’s disease.  I just did fourteen weeks wheat/grain free, and my symptoms were still the same.  More unnecessary tests.  Why can’t doctors just LISTEN to their patients?  I told her this, yet I still have to be tested.  Double sigh.  Rant over. 

I’m going back to eating my seaweed snack now.  I’m undecided if I like it or not.  It tastes kinda fishy, but I like the seaweed taste.  I love that it’s only one carb. Heh.

 

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Seriously?! January 27, 2014

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Pancake mix plus water, stir, let sit for a minute or two.  Cook six pancakes.  Total time – what … ten minutes?  That’s you or me.  My daughter in law has been in the kitchen and/or eating for almost TWO HOURS.  How freakin’ long does it take to eat three damn pancakes????  Over forty minutes on that aspect, alone.

I bitch.  I bitch to myself, to my husband, to my other daughter in law, to my BFF;  Really … any one who will listen!

I bitch because there are things I have wanted to do for three weeks that require some time in the kitchen – like, a few hours.  The problem is, I cannot get a window of time that long.  She eats every two hours, and it’s never a “Quick bite.”  It’s a long drawn out process…… EVERY FREAKIN’ TIME.

I need to make some apple cinnamon jelly for a “Pay it forward” thing I signed up for (Send a gift to 5 people within the next 12 months, but if I don’t do it soon, I will forget!)  and I also need to put together some soup in a jar for the same purpose.  I’ve already knit two hoody scarves for the same project, (Since I can’t, ya know, get into the kitchen) but I want to get this other stuff done and over with.  I have some homemade “No more cold hands or feet” salve I need to make before I no longer need it because it’s hot outside.  (I’ve had those ingredients since before Christmas.)

OK – so I am not planning on doing it today (I am cleaning out/re-arranging my craft room, and moving in a huge wall unit from the living room, which means I have to clean that and the living room, too,) but I’m just making a point here.

That point would be MOVE YOUR ASS FASTER!

I’m not a horrible person, really.  I just want my life back.  I want my house back.  I am tired of raising kids who are not mine.  I want to be a grandmother, not a surrogate mother.  If the spirit moves me, I want to get up and go in my kitchen and make something.  Or clean something.  Or stare at the freaking walls if that’s what I feel like doing.  I want to put my pj’s on at seven pm and watch television in the loft, or downstairs, instead of being holed up in my bedroom, recluse-like.

I am becoming bitter and I hate feeling this way.  I’m not enjoying my life.

I want to be able to spend time, alone, with my husband without having to leave our own home to do so.  We have to make up excuses to leave the house to get our bearings, to get quiet time, to get to sit next to one another uninterrupted.  It’s to the point we’d rather not be at home.  How sad is that??

Rant over!

Thanks for listening, I feel better already!

Other things in my life:  My podiatrist has referred me to a vascular surgeon for a diabetic eval.  He said it’s only because I should have a yearly vascular exam because I am diabetic.  I’m not sure what to expect, I’ve got to Google it to find out, I suspect.  I do know I have to drink lots of water this week, as my appointment is next week and there will be some kind of ultrasound, and they said they want me well hydrated.  I also have my yearly diabetic eye exam next week.  I hate having my eyes dilated – I can’t see properly for hours and hours afterward.

I am knitting a very beautiful, full of awesomeness sweater for myself.  I rarely knit anything for myself, but I saw this sweater and fell in love.  I had to knit 13 inches of simple, but tiresome stockinette stitch, and it seemed like it took forever.  Now I have another five inches of “ss” setting up pleats on the same panel.  Ugh.  One hundred seventy-six stitches back and forth – so boring!  I just want to get to the fun part – cables!

I’m itching to get out and work in the gardens.  I should get some seeds started indoors in the next few days.  I’ve got some branches that need trimming, too.

I think breakfast is finally finished downstairs, so I need to go get some lunch …. while I can.  Yeah, her breakfast is my lunchtime.