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I’m SO Over It April 29, 2014

Posted by Rusty in Uncategorized.
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I’m tired of feeling bitter, resentful and angry.  I don’t know how to change it, without moving out until my house is guest free.  Being this way is not my norm, and it’s wearing me down. 

I’m so over trying to make other people happy, helping and providing.  I spent more money than I should have buying clothes for my granddaughter’s birthday.  Her birthday was nearly three weeks ago, and only once has she worn any of the nice clothes I bought her.   I’m documenting this here – I WILL NEVER BUY HER CLOTHES AGAIN.  EVER.  I’m plumb out of desire to waste my money.  OK, i’m a horrid person for refusing to provide clothing, but why spend the cash if the clothes are relegated to the far end of the closet by my daughter in law?  Ugh!

I’m hard pressed to be excited about the grandchild on the way.  I feel badly about that, but at this point in time, it only means yet another person being brought into the house.  The Hub doesn’t really want me to buy anything for the new wee one, either.  He said “We already set up his first two kids.”  It really ires us that this whole situation was not well thought out at all.  The actions of our son effect not only him, his new wife and children, but the rest of the family, as well.  He’s constantly needing rides here or there, and to work.  He has no spare money to buy anything for this baby, or INSURANCE for prenatal care.  The damn immigration paperwork was costly at over seventeen hundred dollars, which they had to take out a “Loan” with a credit card.  Her temporary visa expired on the 24th, but supposedly as long as her immigration papers are submitted by that date, she’s OK.  Why did it take six months to submit those??? 

Who the hell is going to pay for the birth of their child???

On to other things.

I had a diabetic check up on the 4th of the month.  All was well there, my HbA1c dropped another few tenths of a point, and I was even taken off one of my diabetes meds.  On that date, I had lost 8 pounds from being on this diabetic diet we are on, but I was also fairly ill with a hacking cough, which occured every time I took a breath.  The doc was more concerned about my O2 sats being 91 than my diabetes, I think.  She ordered a chest x-ray, gave me a breathing treatment (Which only made my O2 sats drop) and sent me on my way.  Seven days later I got a call from her nurse saying I had pneumonia, and please come get a script waiting on me at the pharmacy.   Why did it take a week to notify me??? This was Thursday night at almost 5 pm, and I had EVLT scheduled for my right leg at 8 am Friday morning,  When I got to the vascular surgeon’s office, they canceled the procedure due to the pneumonia.  (Sigh)  The left leg was scheduled for the following Friday, and I did have that done.  (May I just say O.U.C.H.)  So, yesterday I went back to the doc for my follow up, and I still have pneumonia!!  Another chest xray, some labwork, and more meds.  Oh, and I lost 8 more pounds!

I’m still walking every week day morning.  I love being outdoors!  There are some really awesome birds at the park, too!  A great blue heron, and a water fowl I saw this morning that I need to research – it was beautiful!




Seriously?! January 27, 2014

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Pancake mix plus water, stir, let sit for a minute or two.  Cook six pancakes.  Total time – what … ten minutes?  That’s you or me.  My daughter in law has been in the kitchen and/or eating for almost TWO HOURS.  How freakin’ long does it take to eat three damn pancakes????  Over forty minutes on that aspect, alone.

I bitch.  I bitch to myself, to my husband, to my other daughter in law, to my BFF;  Really … any one who will listen!

I bitch because there are things I have wanted to do for three weeks that require some time in the kitchen – like, a few hours.  The problem is, I cannot get a window of time that long.  She eats every two hours, and it’s never a “Quick bite.”  It’s a long drawn out process…… EVERY FREAKIN’ TIME.

I need to make some apple cinnamon jelly for a “Pay it forward” thing I signed up for (Send a gift to 5 people within the next 12 months, but if I don’t do it soon, I will forget!)  and I also need to put together some soup in a jar for the same purpose.  I’ve already knit two hoody scarves for the same project, (Since I can’t, ya know, get into the kitchen) but I want to get this other stuff done and over with.  I have some homemade “No more cold hands or feet” salve I need to make before I no longer need it because it’s hot outside.  (I’ve had those ingredients since before Christmas.)

OK – so I am not planning on doing it today (I am cleaning out/re-arranging my craft room, and moving in a huge wall unit from the living room, which means I have to clean that and the living room, too,) but I’m just making a point here.

That point would be MOVE YOUR ASS FASTER!

I’m not a horrible person, really.  I just want my life back.  I want my house back.  I am tired of raising kids who are not mine.  I want to be a grandmother, not a surrogate mother.  If the spirit moves me, I want to get up and go in my kitchen and make something.  Or clean something.  Or stare at the freaking walls if that’s what I feel like doing.  I want to put my pj’s on at seven pm and watch television in the loft, or downstairs, instead of being holed up in my bedroom, recluse-like.

I am becoming bitter and I hate feeling this way.  I’m not enjoying my life.

I want to be able to spend time, alone, with my husband without having to leave our own home to do so.  We have to make up excuses to leave the house to get our bearings, to get quiet time, to get to sit next to one another uninterrupted.  It’s to the point we’d rather not be at home.  How sad is that??

Rant over!

Thanks for listening, I feel better already!

Other things in my life:  My podiatrist has referred me to a vascular surgeon for a diabetic eval.  He said it’s only because I should have a yearly vascular exam because I am diabetic.  I’m not sure what to expect, I’ve got to Google it to find out, I suspect.  I do know I have to drink lots of water this week, as my appointment is next week and there will be some kind of ultrasound, and they said they want me well hydrated.  I also have my yearly diabetic eye exam next week.  I hate having my eyes dilated – I can’t see properly for hours and hours afterward.

I am knitting a very beautiful, full of awesomeness sweater for myself.  I rarely knit anything for myself, but I saw this sweater and fell in love.  I had to knit 13 inches of simple, but tiresome stockinette stitch, and it seemed like it took forever.  Now I have another five inches of “ss” setting up pleats on the same panel.  Ugh.  One hundred seventy-six stitches back and forth – so boring!  I just want to get to the fun part – cables!

I’m itching to get out and work in the gardens.  I should get some seeds started indoors in the next few days.  I’ve got some branches that need trimming, too.

I think breakfast is finally finished downstairs, so I need to go get some lunch …. while I can.  Yeah, her breakfast is my lunchtime.